1. He only flip-flops when he’s out of water.
2. He would never interrupt Candy Crowly.
3. He has no idea how to fix our economy, but he doesn’t pretend he does.
4. He never smirks, in fact his face is always straight.
5. His itty-bitty fins are too small to even open binders.
6. He’s a natural at the circling tactic used in town-hall debates.
7. He doesn’t have an underwater phone so he’ll never call your house asking for your vote.
8. He looks angelic and majestic, but when it comes down to it, he can put up one hell of a fight, it’s in his blood.
9. He handles stress really well as his scales never fade to white.
10. He never sleeps, or at least, I’ve never seen it.
Kelly Barton is a contributing editor for the Rutgers Review.