SAD YOLO
Working at a nightclub in a college town, you get a wide variety of private affairs. Yet among the bar mitzvahs and the sweet sixteens and the formal affairs, there exists a particular entity that stands apart from the rest. It is a phenomenon all its own, representing the best (and worst) of college life in a short 6:30-10 pm time slot. The name? Date night.
For the less college-savvy, date nights are formal/semi-formal affairs for sororities and fraternities. They require much preparation, and for each particular Greek organization the nightclub worker wonders if maybe, just this once, the goings-on will be different. That is never the case. In fact, I’ve compiled a list of the ten people you will always, without fail, meet at a date night. You’re welcome.
1) The one who won’t leave – This individual refuses to get out of the club. The party ended 23 minutes ago and they’re screaming about shoes or hugging all the bartenders or puking in the bathroom and we’re trying to set up for the shift that starts in 30 seconds and we all want to kill them.
2) The girl who won’t stop crying – Her date isn’t what she expected, or she fell on the dance floor, or she’s just so drunk she can’t control 15 weeks worth of pent-up emotions about her dog Sparky and that stupid bitch in the dining hall the other day. She’s the quintessential hot mess.
3) The couple who’s breaking up – They awkwardly stand in front of you and don’t notice you and they’re screaming and crying and flailing their arms and you feel uncomfortable.
4) The guy who thinks he runs it – He thinks it’s his date night and he’s the boss, when in reality he’s just a toolbag who doesn’t know jack-shit.
5) The girl who’s your best friend – “OH. MY. GOD. I LOVE YOU. I LITERALLY LOVE YOU. COME HERE, FRIENDS, AND MEET MY NEW FRIEND, I LOVE HER, SHE’S THE CUTEST, LOOK HOW CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!” Gag me with a spoon. Or with the smell of her too-drunk breath.
6) The one who won’t leave you alone – They want explanations and they want them now. They want to know your personal life history, social security number, the name of your mom’s first pet, oh by the way where’s the bathroom, WHATTT I can’t hear you quick let me tell you a quick story you don’t want to hear.
7) The insufferably terrible human being – Enough said.
8) The one who can’t stand – Her shoes are a mile high and she drank 20 shots of Bacardi Dragonberry but no, she’s totally fine, whoops she hit the wall – oops, a concussion.
9) The one who gets kicked out – Usually it’s after 5 minutes. They snuck in a bottle and thought they wouldn’t get caught even though they waved it around in the air once they walked in. Or they fought, kicked a table, broke some glasses, you get the gist.
10) The guy who loses everything – Keys, phone, ID, coat check ticket, coat itself, ability to remember if he even checked his coat, his date, memory of anything that happened in the last hour, shoes, pants, underwear, self-respect, consciousness.
– Your resident bartender friend