Recently, it has come to my attention that I am in fact, not a flirty, young twink with more abs than common sense. Rather I am one of the select few Cher singing, red wine swilling, wrist limping aging homosexuals. Now while most who’ve hit my old age (22) attempt to keep themselves fresh faced and young with the use of products with fancy names like “Clinique Bunghole Polish” or cosmetic surgery, I’m taking a different approach.
I just have so many good qualities that make me a perfect role model for today’s active young adult. For example, I have a great sense of humor about my huge penis. I’ve seen it all, kids, and I want to share. Are you having boy troubles? Ladies don’t want to date you because you’re a nice guy? Want to know how to get those tough, ground in oil stains off of your good couch? I’m here to help.
So send me your tired, poor, huddled letters yearning to be answered by this Carrie who more often than not acts like a Samantha. Wait, let me translate that for you guys, I’m a Hannah who more often than not acts like a Jessa. But before we continue, you must learn my 3 big rules for a successful young adulthood. Learn them well:
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Only strippers shave above the knee.
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It’s not gay unless the balls touch.
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If he takes you to Cirque de Soleil, it’s worth at least a handi-J.
YOU’RE WELCOME.
Sami Suleiman is a contributor for the Rutgers Review. Send your letters for Sami to therutgersreview@gmail.com.