Edward Snowden, a former 29 year old government contractor for the National Security Agency, is now widely known as the man who leaked documents regarding the NSA’s ongoing collection of private phone and internet communications of citizens both in and outside the United States. The leaked intelligence, according to the Guardian, states that the purpose of this venture is to record and collect phone conversations, text messages, emails and other intelligence in order to prevent terrorist attacks on the United States. Employees also use the transcripts of phone conversations to keep in touch with middle school pop culture so they can bond with their moody daughters. Many are hailing Snowden as a hero, even prompting a petition to the White House to pardon him for his alleged crime. Others meanwhile, condemn him as a traitor for selling out the United States to other countries.
We at The Review had a chance to conduct a phone interview with an employee of the National Security Agency, whose name and gender are being withheld for privacy reasons. The employee said of Edward Snowden, “He literally ruined everything. We had this great program at the NSA that was actually doing pretty well. Not anymore though. ” said the unnamed employee. “How am I supposed to know what happened on Game of Thrones if I can’t eavesdrop on the phone conversations between Ms. Elffe and Ms. Grant of Ackrin, Ohio?”
“I also enjoyed reading transcripts of sexting. Those housewives sure do know how to make a shift go by quicker if you know what I mean”
The unnamed employee also spoke of the success rate of the intelligence program, which prevented over 100,000 terrorist attacks on the U.S., including a failed Russian-Islamist extremist bomb plot aimed at the nations largest 5K.
Not everyone at the NSA holds a critical view of Snowden though. General Keith B. Alexander, the Director of the National Security Agency, held a press conference early this afternoon to announce how the NSA would handle the leak of its secret intelligence program. “If it weren’t for his devilishly good looks, I’d have come after Edward Snowden myself” Alexander said after one reporter asked him what the NSA’s official stance on Snowden is. “I’m going to sign that petition that’s asking Obama to give that boy a nice big presidential pardon. That handsome devil deserves to come home”.
Lesly Kurian