Photo courtesy of Michael Wepplo
After an hour or longer of procrastinating, I finally decide to type the first sentence of my Art History paper. Now that I feel as though I’m delving into my work like the ultimate scholar, I reach for the nearest food item to reward myself. Tonight it just so happens to be some stale Party Cake flavored Peeps that I got in my Easter basket last Sunday. And maybe in a minute, I’ll reach for the bag of jellybeans that are on my left side, next to a plate with my dinner leftovers on it. To my right side, I have a small pile of napkins from snacks I ate over the past couple of days.
On a daily basis, I get so stressed over my articles, assignments, and papers that I continuously snack on random things —cereal, granola bars, cookies, candy, cheese—anything that looks appetizing at the moment. For the past few weeks, I’ve realized this is becoming a problem, as I have gained a couple pounds, and they aren’t going to any of the right places. I don’t think anyone enjoys looking at a relatively slim person with a muffin top—and besides, it just wouldn’t make any sense in the first place. Who knows? Pretty soon if I don’t do anything about this, I won’t be slim at all! My life will just be full of disappointment and regret; I’ll be a 500-pound monster, and my children (or miserable cat servants) will have to scrub under each layer of fat, because my arms won’t reach.
Despite this nightmarish vision, I have come up with a plausible cause of this issue. Perhaps the problem is that I spend most of my time at the dining room table, which is right next to the kitchen. When I feel like taking a break (which happens quite frequently), the first thing I do is check the fridge for a snack. Then I rummage through the cabinets, and make a mess of the countertops. If I don’t find anything, I retreat to the pantry room, where I am sure to find some semblance of food.
I have ruled out one possible cause of my “affliction.” I do not constantly shove food into my mouth and eat until I feel like throwing up. Instead, I eat small snacks throughout the day, which never fully satisfy my stomach. So then I’ll repeat the process by going back into the kitchen and finding something else to munch on. Even at 1 a.m. when any normal person would say it’s too late to eat, I’m about to devour the leftover half of a chicken parm sub. Usually, I’ll feel guilty for a couple minutes, but then let it go, thinking, “I’ll just make sure I don’t snack on anything tomorrow.” Pshhhh, like that’s going to happen.
Maybe the solution is to replace all the unhealthy snacks I eat throughout the day with vegetables and fruits. I do love salads—so maybe I’ll go over to Shoprite first thing in the morning (as if I’ll actually have the motivation to do this) and pick out some luscious lettuce, spunky spinach leaves, and celebratory celery. Then I’ll even throw in a heap of kaleidoscopic kale to fully prove that I am healthy. Unfortunately, giving vegetables odd names still does not motivate me to run out to the grocery store when I wake up in the morning. Maybe the day after tomorrow I’ll be more enthusiastic.
Laura Curry