Oh, Tomi Lahren,
Or should I say Tony Laryngitis, or Tammi, or Terry, or Tortilla. Frankly, the sheer number of fake names circulating on Twitter for Trixie only speaks to drive home my point: Tomi Lahren is not a real person.
I always had the hunch that she wasn’t real. I could feel it in my bones. But exactly what was she? After several months of research, analysis and hardcore investigative journalism, I cracked it. At first, I was convinced that she was a marionette string-operated by a bunch of old conservative white men. I know, ridiculous. But once I came to my senses I was able to deduce that she is a highly complex, sophisticated neo-Nazi AI mech expertly created and programmed by old conservative white Glenn Beck.
But why? What is her purpose? Why even bother? Well, after countless sleepless nights, I’ve chalked it up to one thing: justification. It’s much easier to justify prejudice toward the disenfranchised when the one saying it is a woman. It becomes “okay” to shit on the woman’s march when Tammybot has a platform to “shut it down.”
Unless you’ve been living under a rock or you’re also a pre-programmed Nazi-bot, you may have heard that poor Tommie has been “fired” from her daytime shitposting commentary gig. Or, as I like to call it, “deprogrammed.” Yep, that’s right. The word “pro-choice” was not even halfway out of her mouth when Glenn Beck had already begun the termination process. Although hard-wired to be conservative, Tammybot glitched out during her visit to The View. Rumor has it that a rogue snowflake somehow penetrated her hard exterior and she just short-circuited.
But don’t worry, while Glenn would have us believe she’s been terminated, no doubt a new version of Tomi is in the works as we speak, a project codenamed: Conservative Hoe 2.0. She may not look the same, but rest assured that another will take her place.