By: Kaye Rhoads
From an early age, we are indoctrinated with the idea of romantic love. I planned my wedding at the age of five. I wanted a bouquet of daisies and sunflowers, a chiffon, white princess dress with a long train, and a veil that reaches the floor. My engagement ring was going to be a 24K diamond ring, round cut with a thin, silver band. My fiancé was going to be six-feet-tall with a strong jawline. As I walked down the aisle of a grandiose cathedral to where he stood at the altar, Pachelbel’s Canon in D Major declaring my descent, it appeared as if he was the only other person in the room. Every rom-com I saw re-affirmed my dream. Every Hallmark movie taught me that if a boy is mean to me, it means he has a crush on me. In every Disney Princess movie I had seen as a child, the protagonist always had a love interest (my favorite was Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid, John Smith from Pocahontas was a close second, and Shen from Mulan was third).
In third grade, while standing in line to walk to the lunchroom, a girl asked me who I had a crush on. Even though I didn’t have a crush on anyone, I didn’t want to disappoint – I felt like I had to have a crush – so I stayed quiet and played dumb. When I tried to dismiss her question, she coaxed me into giving her a definitive answer: “C’mon, everyone has a crush on someone.” So, I “had a crush” on a random boy in class I had never talked to.
On a whim, at the beginning of my junior year of college, I decided to start taking French classes. No rhyme or reason; I don’t know anyone in my personal life who speaks French outside of class, but I wanted something fun to do and it fit my schedule. So, French it was
One of the first verbs they teach you in French 101 is aimer – to like/love. J’aime le pizza. I like pizza. Il aime buver le thè. He likes drinking tea. Je t’aime. I love you. I didn’t need a professor to teach me that last one; je t’aime is universal. 99% of the time, je t’aime means je suis amoureux avec toi. I’m in love with you. It can be used when speaking to very close friends or family who know and are 100% certain the meaning is not romantic. But, if the line exists where they might suspect you would have feelings for them, you can also say je t’adore. One of the only things I remember from high school Spanish is that same distinction between platonic and romantic love: te amo (romantic) and te quiero (platonic). In high school, learning this distinction excited me because I could tell my friends I loved them minus the anxiety of wondering if they think I’m in love with them.
This distinction does not exist in English. I use “I love you” frequently with my friends now. Am I texting you goodnight? I love you, sleep well. Am I dropping you off at your house after a meeting? I love you, I’ll text you when I get home. Are we hanging out at the student center and you leave me to go to class? I love you, pay attention and take good notes. Are we a dumb amount of drinks in at the bar? You better believe I’m going to tell you I love you, how much I love you, when I started loving you, and why I won’t stop. I love my friends. I tell them I love them at the risk of them thinking I might have feelings for them or I might even be “in love” with them.
The interesting thing about the English language is that it has its limits; we haven’t given ourselves the emotional safety net that French and Spanish speakers of the world have. No je t’adore or te quiero. I will tell you I love you, and it’s up to you to figure out in what way I meant it. Or it’s up to me to over-explain myself, attach affectionate “bud”-s or “friend”-s at the end of my phrases to clarify their meaning because language itself is limited, and we live in a world that builds too many walls, that’s too concerned with setting boundaries while our language remains inaccurate, cloudy, and complicated. We’re so used to the equation “love = romance” that other types of love (familial, fraternal, self-love) fall to the wayside, and romance becomes our only option.
And yet, culturally, we struggle with commitment to romantic love, despite the integral role it plays in our society and economy. Modern dating culture includes different “levels” of a relationship. Sometimes I don’t even know what “dating” means. Are two people “talking” to each other? How does that differ from “dating?” I know it’s different from being boyfriend and girlfriend, but what does “talking” actually mean besides a half-baked commitment? Why should I participate in a relationship if a man’s going to tell me later on: “I only love my bed and my momma, I’m sorry” (This isn’t a dig at Drake; God’s Plan is a Whole Bop). Why does the idea of telling my friends I love them at the risk of them thinking I have feelings for them make me anxious?
Maybe because modern romance is ambiguous, like the “I love you”-s of the English language.