The world is a scary, unpredictable place. Amidst this chaotic experience, there are an extremely limited amount of beliefs that we can count as truth: facts that we members of society desperately cling to in order to gain some minute semblance of order. This is what keeps the Earth spinning. One can find peace knowing that no one will argue with you about whether one plus one equals two, that humans need water and oxygen to survive, or that Glee covers are almost always better than the originals. There is no cultural, geological, or religious divide between facts such as that pigs, albeit pretty impressive animals, lack the ability to defy gravity and soar through the air.
If you are still unable to relate to one of these facts, let me clear up any confusion with the most widely accepted and cherished truth: Lewis Hamilton, notorious Formula 1 driver, will remain in his cherished Mercedes seat until either he retires, or the entirety of the Formula 1 sport ceases to exist. See, I knew you’d understand eventually. This is just the way the world works!
Well, I really do hate to be the one to break it to you, but silly season came early kids. Reports of world-altering activity began gathering attention on social media platforms in late January of 2024. AI-generated images of the knight himself adorning the iconic Ferrari-red race suit, forlorn edits of a devastating split in the Charles Leclerc x Carlos Sainz bromance, and memes of Toto Wolff’s reaction to such a betrayal started flooding every dedicated F1 fan’s Tiktok, X (Twitter for those who are loyal), and Instagram feeds. On the eve of February 1st, the official Mercedes team released the earth-shattering blow that these speculations, mere rumors, held nothing but the truth.
Mercedes was left vulnerable and insecure after the news of Lewis Hamilton’s departure became public knowledge. Did they not give him everything he wanted? Did they not help him achieve six out of his seven (I won’t say it) world championship titles? Were they not pretty enough? Honestly, is it because Ferrari has pretty green eyes and a panty-dropping French accent? Is it Lewis, is that why? (Let me make it clear that when I say “Mercedes” I am obviously referring to Toto Wolff, and when I say “Ferrari” I clearly mean Charles Leclerc.)
Whatever his reason, Lewis is prepared for a (depressing and disappointing, if we have anything to learn from poor Charles’ history) season with Ferrari come 2025. With one click of a Mercedes admin’s finger, the official release of this press announcement, the sky shattered, and glass shards poured down on all reaches of our globe. Apples began to float as they departed from their tree’s branch. The Earth’s core reached freezing temperatures. A Riverdale season’s plot stayed logical and consistent. The civilians of our society woke up on that first day of February, looked up at the newly awakened sun, and were greeted by a sight that many, only ever in jest, would have ever imagined. Pigs, in all of their fatty, pink glory, began to soar through the uproar.
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