Deck the Malls with Boughs of Holly–Mall-A-La-La-La, Fa-La-La-La!
Ready for the holidays? I am! What you’re actually ready for are the gifts, that is if you’ve managed to dodge the naughty list or at least figured out how to board the bus before trampling the ones on their way out. This winter, the radar detects no mercy—only for sweet potato casseroles, snowfall, and you know who’s special sleigh. Rib-Tickler radar also detects that malls are making a comeback, following closures and shutdowns during the Covid-19 pandemic that shook the world and frankly shook Aunt Tina’s hourly speed walking schedule to its core—a core built on an unholy mix of cigarettes and wine, gut momentum for the next argument with her husband, and a lifetime subscription to Vogue.
Here’s why I think malls are resurfacing to life, spoiler alert—we have Generation Z to thank, in part.
#1 Nostalgia Craze. Gen Zers, or brain rot victims (#survivors)—are revisiting the world of simplicity, pre-digital, and retro, walking down the Y2K aesthetic, classic media, old-fashioned activities, and nostalgic food avenues of the honorable 1990s and the 2000s. Y2K screams arcades, flip phones, cheetah print, Juicy Couture tracksuits, and low-rise jeans. Classic media—Friends, Gilmore Girls, Shrek. Old-fashioned activities—roller skating, thrifting, and hanging out at malls like the cool kids did back in the day. It’s too bad that malls aren’t patrolling like they did in 2015: low blood sugar, seductive ’stache, determined underdog. Every mall deserves a Paul Blart—a hero to thwart the crooks and save the day. Recently, Taco Bell released their Decades Menu, delivering five iconic decades items–the ’60s Tostada, the ’70s Green Sauce Burrito, the ’80s Meximelt, the ’90s Gordita Supreme, and the ’00s Caramel Apple Empanada. If malls won’t hire the Paul Blart’s this world deserves, we at least have nostalgic burritos to bury our face in.
#2 Lower Attention Span. Generation Z has a particular interest in brick-and-mortar stores because, as a “digital savvy generation,” they expect to receive products immediately. The big advantage of shopping in person? The ability to buy the product right now, not to mention to touch it and try it out. With artificial intelligence (AI), results are expected faster than Gibster’s inevitable freshman fifteen. Instagram reels, Youtube Shorts, and TikTok scrolls have rewired the Gen Z brain to crave instant gratification, making the online experience a non-suspenseful wreck.
#3 Experience over Buying. More than half of Gen Zers surveyed said they would much rather spend money on experiences than purchases. The experience doesn’t have to be walking 10K steps just to reach the third-floor bathroom in Macy’s, it can be small talk turned into big talk with a flirtatious retailer in the perfume aisle or spilling popcorn on the floor of Claire’s and running away (because I’m too old to be caught in Claire’s and too old to spill popcorn). The experience could be watching a grown man sit on Santa’s lap as his daughter hysterically wails—Mom’s not gonna like that Christmas card… or her husband. I didn’t forget—Wetzel’s Pretzels. Cheese never tasted so fake, yet so worth every calorie.
So, my fellow Gen Zers, put that phone in time-out, get your driver’s license if you haven’t already, and drive yourself to your local mall. You may just find yourself in the shoe department–with a soulmate or a solemate. Give yourself some credit—every minute off of TikTok is a win for the brain rot victims of the world. We will conquer this world one column at a time, one mall at a time. May your holiday shopping be T-Swift (truly swift), may your Thanksgiving food coma recovery be as fierce as Aunt Tina, and may your sweet potato casserole be as sweet as the Rutgers weekend buses!
Thanks for tuning into The Rib-Tickler Club!
&
Tickle ya Later!
RT
