Well, well, well. Another year, another tear.
But don’t reach for the tissues just yet, because we’re turning those tears into cheers baby. Rib Tickler Radar has detected that being single on Valentine’s Day isn’t a tragedy—it’s the dustiest, finger-lickin’, tongue-plaguing Cheeto resting at the final crevice of a monstrous chip bag. Or, as normal people would call it, a blessing in disguise.
Are you sticking your middle school, post-bullying session fingers into the Mariana Trench, or are you doing the mating dance to your $2.69 Hot Cheetos bag? Do you come to the crumbs, or let the crumbs come to you? That’s what I’m really asking.
Today, we’re taking you through my very own Valentine’s Day Survival Guide: Single Edition. Hang in there, sexy puppies. We’re just hours away from half-off candy and watching couples return to the miserable relationships they pretended didn’t exist on Instagram.
I present to you five ways to embrace your Single Pringle Wouldn’t Wanna Mingle on Valentine’s Day:
#1 Vibe with the RA (who’s probably just as lonely as you are)
It’s true. Just the other day, I asked my RA to open my pasta jar. He comes into my apartment and manages to open the jar with two rubber bands, more brain than muscle a girl like me would say. As I’m waiting for him to leave, he requests that I let him eat the pasta I was making because the snow was falling harder, and the dining hall was no longer an option. So I let him stay and fed him the pasta. As the snow grew taller, so did our conversations. I’d love to believe he stuck around for me, but let’s be real, it was all about the pasta. It’s good to know I have someone to bother, just one knock away.
#2 If All Else Fails, Ask a Busch Goose to Be Your Valentine
Look, I didn’t want to go here, but you can’t resist the Busch charm. I’d argue they’re more committed to the campus than the students are, that excludes the stereotypical Busch boy picking his nose at Allison Road Classroom the other day, fresh out of an astrology lecture. Committed to the boogers and space exploration. Plus, there’s nothing more romantic than a goose sticking his tongue out at you, he’s just waiting for a kiss 🙂 If you lose grip, there’s always a squeezable, long, luscious neck to hold onto.
#3 Double Up on Dinner (Because Who’s Stopping You?)
I already do this, but Valentine’s Day drives it home for me. First, dinner for the body, then second for the soul. In reality, from experience, usually, both dinners hit the body (if you know what I mean, [insert sad face]). Toss out that first-year meal swipe-Kilmer’s Market-South Tower ramen, and treat yourself to something gourmet. You deserve to be spoiled, even if that means Ronaldo with the red Toyota Corolla is delivering your order.
#4 Treat Yourself to Frozen Yogurt at 16 Handles
Before we get into relationships, we must know how to handle the 16. It’s simple–grab a cup, choose your favorite fro-yo flavor(s), help yourself to an array of toppings, pay up front, and never ask for the receipt! Savor each bite as you watch couples hold hands through the window—don’t worry, the fro-yo will ease the sight. It’s fro-yo just for yo!
#5 Give Yourself a Foot Bath (Because You’re Worth It)
Relieve your stress & anxiety, relax your muscles, and exfoliate your skin by soaking your feet in essential oils or Epsom salt in warm water. It automatically boosts my mood and my circulation! While you’re at it, invite Dan Schneider, he’d love to be your Valentine!!!
On a serious note, I don’t pity myself for being single–I love it. I embrace the freedom and welcome the self-discovery that comes with it, which is a crucial part of the college experience. Never feel less than because you’re single. It’s nothing to fear or be ashamed of. You’re not sad, pathetic, or a loser.
Keep your standards high. Know your value. Never settle. Whether you plan on being single forever, aren’t ready for a relationship, or recently broke up with your ex, remember: you don’t need someone to make you happy. Instead, think of it as someone adding value to your life when you’re ready—or, for those who believe like me, when fate chimes in.
Take your time. Choose the right person. Who you choose will shape your life–so my sexy puppies, make it a choice worth making. And now, I’m starting to sound like my mom, so I’m gonna hop off and get back to kissing the Busch geese!
Thanks for tuning into The Rib-Tickler Club!
&
Tickle ya Later!
XOXO RT
