Greetings, Giggle Gang!
Let’s face it — just like I’m writing this when I should’ve submitted it weeks ago, you’re going to be late. Out of your four years in college, chances are your alarm didn’t go off, you got abducted by aliens during your night shift at Olive Garden, or you endured an endless unplanned diarrhea attack from two rounds of matcha lattes. It happens. S*** happens. Sooooo, you’re late. Now, you ask yourself, how should I be late? Should I roll out a red carpet and make an award-winning entrance, or arrive as a fly on the wall, semi-crushed by the I <3 Stats graffiti in Tillet 254? Fear Stats. But all else, fear not, Giggle Gang. Being late isn’t a failure, it’s an art. Lucky for you, Rib Tickler has a master plan (but sadly gang, not a meal plan). Here’s how to boogie into the lecture 15 minutes late and dodge a preach speech from your punctual-princess professor.
#1 Make Prolonged Eye Contact with the Professor
Nonverbal communication is key, hence why I’ve ranked it on the top of the pyramid. For mutual understanding to happen, there must be exceptional eye contact. I’m talking about laser focus. All eyes will be on you. But I need you to focus on one pair in particular — the Professor’s. Lock eyes and channel your Knight energy as if you’ve returned from a heroic mission. The mission? The LX bus. For bonus points, try this: perk up your lips like Kim K, raise your eyebrows, bulge out your eyes like Kermit the Frog. Make clear who’s the real boss of the classroom.
#2 Take the Middle Seat in the Front Row
Establish dominance. Arriving late is already a dedication. But to show your professor you are entirely dedicated, take the middle seat in the front row, as you will be directly under their gaze for the rest of the class. When in doubt, choose the spotlight. Soak up all that knowledge buttercup. I’m already so proud of you for getting there.
#3 Chomp on Some Carrot Sticks
They say carrots are good for eyesight, but I say carrots are good for performance. Science says carrots are sensory snacks, and the crunchiness of them makes it easier for people to stay focused, engaged, and alert! Don’t worry about the munching sounds, that’s totally not your problem or anybody’s business, it’s just human anatomy at work!
#4 Get Caught Up, No Question is a Bad Question
In the 15 minutes you’ve missed, it’s reasonable to want to catch up. While your professor’s lecturing, turn to the person next to you, and ask to copy down the notes you’ve missed in live time. The only bad question is the one that is not asked. As soon as the professor takes a breath, raise your hand up high and ask to go over something that was already covered. Ask a vague but meaningful question and tie it to the grand mysteries of life. Let’s take Algebra freshman year of high school as an example. As we were gearing up for our final, I blurted out: “Imagine needing to know all of this. It has zero relevance to life.” The class laughed, and our teacher, clearly angry, shot back, “Well, guess what, you’re gonna need to know it, so you better start somewhere.” Freshman year really brought out my fresh(mouth), man. Spoiler alert: I ended up failing the final.
#5 Let the Professor Know You Appreciate Their Understanding
Just how you’d do it with an email, wrap up the lecture with a few words of gratitude. Thank the professor for their lecture and answering your questions, regardless of their red face. We could only speculate that their red face is a response to the insecurity they feel to your incomparable confidence. Nothing else! If the professor doesn’t respond right away, let them know the class is lucky to have someone so patient and kind. And if they’re still quiet after that, we can only assume it’s because they’re so humble.
There we have it Giggle Gang. So if you ever find yourself being late again, you know exactly what to do! That’s it for today’s episode,
Thanks for tuning into The Rib-Tickler Club!
&
Tickle ya Later!
RT
